"Finding My True Skates"
I was assigned Canadian at birth. Inherently it would seem I was born with skates on too, Or at least I don’t recall a time when I looked down and didn’t see skates on my feet. My skates never seemed to stay the same, they changed with me in size and style with the times, often not being the same as most other skaters.
The first pair of skates I wore were white, but were disguised with black covers to conform to a gender norm. But I knew they were different, they had toe picks. Many of my fellow skaters also bore toe picks on their skates, although most had the white openly displayed for the world to see as well as their picks waiting to grab the ice and create some painful knee bruising.
A select few of my fellow skaters had curved blades, tougher casings and lacked toe picks. within a couple of years those skaters no longer shared the ice with me and changed ice times and added padding and sticks to their attire.
After several years of developing my skating abilities I too would join the ranks of the curved blade, protective equipment skaters. I just felt this was the natural progression of what Canadian boys did. I was just a bit of a late bloomer, that’s all.
It felt awkward at first, the curved blades took some of the stability away, but the skates soon became more comfortable. I was assigned to a forward position with a long thin straight bladed stick at first. It was okay, but still felt a little unnatural, but I desperately wanted to feel like the majority on the ice with the increased chances and ability to put the puck in the net or assist in doing so. This was not as easy as an accomplishment as I thought, with only 2 goals and a handful of assists in those first two years combined as a forward. This also afforded more opportunity to propel my feet forward rather than to retreat backwards, which at least felt a bit more comfortable at the time.
My first pair of curved skates were covered in hard plastic and the second year they were less so, had more leather and fabric, and a bit more modern, but still had the basic style of the forward and “out” guy.
After two years of skating in this position it still felt a little unnatural. My father noticed this and he also noted that I naturally skated backwards with more ease and perhaps better than the few defensive players on the team. It was my father who first suggested that perhaps I would be more comfortable skating backwards and with one hand on the stick more often, defending attackers from placing the puck in our net and not worry about scoring at the other end. The game starts with defence, after all. I would consider this entering the next season.
My third year of curved skates and 7th year on ice (although again I don’t remember years without skates on my feet), I adorned more padding and picked up a wider heavier stick which was mostly intended to be held with one hand. The gloves on my hands were very different than my teammates and what were these leggings which protected my legs from frozen vulcanized rubber more than the others??!!! I knew this wasn’t quite what my father hand in mind about defence but he chuckled and went along with it.
Oh, how that felt so different! Oddly very comforting! I tried to hide the feelings of being in this strange and rare position on the ice. For it was not one of the masses, only a rare few and a small percentage identified in this area. It was also strangely restricting. I could not join the other skaters in all areas on the ice, instead confined to one area, yet I felt oddly at home.
In year four of this sport and my eighth on ice, my feet were once again covered with molded plastic, but this time different from before, the blades were wider, longer and flatter. Skating seemed clumsy and awkward, but my stability was greatly improved. I may have looked like a fish out of water, but oh how happy and comfortable was I!
In year 5, I fully embraced all who I truly was! My family was so incredibly supportive by this time. I had my first new pair of sleek new flat heavy blades. A combination of leather upper encased below with white molding, strong enough to take an impact to the toe or inside edges with pucks or sticks. My gloves were newer and maybe still hand me downs or new to me, they made me feel more confident and flexible. No longer did I have the old battered, deer hair filled association loaned pads. No, I was treated to brand new, white synthetic leather pads, filled with foam and were light and flashy. My sticks were colourful and brand name. I excelled now, playing on rep teams.
I may have now only identified as one or two in a team of approximately 15, but I didn’t care that I was now part of a minority. I was happy, authentic and most importantly at peace with myself. My father did not cheer from the stands. He stood behind me. From behind the caging or glass around the boards behind me, he could see my life. He could see finally what my eyes saw. This may not have been what he ever envisioned I would be, but he was so proud of me and who I had become! That meant the world to me.
Transitioning to my true authentic pair of skates and coming out as a goaltender, has been the happiest and greatest change in my life in sport!
There have been the odd moments where I was curious about changing back. I tried for a season even in my 30’s. I occasionally go back to the other skates and stick, just maybe to play alongside my kids the odd time . But even they acknowledge that isn’t the true me and I just seem to be trying something that isn’t me. So when I put my normal skates on and gear, it is so obvious what truly makes me happy and my authentic self. I am happy to be visible and be a mentor and show others it is okay to wear these specials skates and equipment.
It may not be for everyone and certainly makes me part of a much more rare and select few, even if I get the crazy mentality comments that go along with what makes us a unique breed, but that’s okay. I own it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am happy to identify as my true self.
I am a hockey goalie!
Editors note*
This story also applies to another aspect of my life!!!!
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