With 365 days in a year and an additional day every 4 years, there are many days that are significant in a year and many pass by with little fanfare. Some days are major holidays, milestones, birthdays, anniversaries of significant events. Some days are significant in a positive light and some others remind us of unpleasant moments. One such day for me that marks a very mixed emotion is September 4.
What is so significant about September 4? To most, this date is not very significant. Some years it is a statutory holiday in North America, being Labour Day. Some years it may be the first day of school for many students. Most years it is just another day. Some years it passes with little notice for me too, and some years it hits me like a tonne of bricks and knocks me emotionally off the rails.
This year, Tuesday, September 4, 2024, marked a very mixed feeling for me, with part of the day being very unsettling and part of the day a reflection of the journey I have been on over the past decade or so. But, to find out why this day brings up mixed emotions and memories, we have to go back to the first time it was a significant date for me, September 4, 1999.
Twenty-five years ago on September 4, I got married. The day was fantastic. We were surrounded by friends and family. I was marrying the woman I loved, and the woman who would be the mother of my children. The celebration was lovely as was the reception. This made September 4 very special. The marriage, as many who know me will know, did not last the test of time, and we had split by the time September 4, 2010 came around. It was now a reminder of a special day that did not end in ‘till death do us part.”
The first year of not being together on September 4, I happened to be bartending a wedding. It was not until later in the evening that I even realized it was September 4, let’s just say the bartender was a bit more gloomy as the evening went on. For the next several years, September 4 became a reminder to me that one of the things I most treasured, had failed. It was a reminder that I was perhaps less of a ‘man’, and not successful or a great husband. It became a reminder to me for years that I was not where I was supposed to be in life and I felt like I was lost and wandering aimlessly.
After seven years of being not married, September 4, 2017 became a very different day. Throughout the summer of 2017, after yet another failed relationship, I was on my own and really began to think about my sexuality and identity. Nearing the end of the summer I finally arranged to go for coffee with a close friend and have a very long and open discussion. We met and chatted for hours, it was September 4, 2017. With so much swirling in my head, new terms, new concepts to me, my mind was flipping out. Later in the day I sat in the living room, then finally to the bathroom and stared in the mirror for what seemed like hours. Finally I looked up again and said out loud to the image in the mirror, “you are part of the 2SLGTBQ community, you are gender fluid. You are transgender!” That was the moment I came out to myself.
In the past seven years there are times I am still a bit conflicted on September 4, and yet I must remind myself, “to be your authentic self, you could not have remained in that relationship. There are reasons you made mistakes in marriage. You could never have been a good husband and man, for you were never meant to be male. You could be a great partner and spouse to someone, but not as a male, and not as a husband!” To truly discover myself and share that to the world, I had to leave something behind, I had to fail at being a husband.
This year, on September 4, I was tired and my depression had not been completely in control, and yet at the end of the day, I went to bed, beside the love of my life, knowing fully I am female, living fully as a female, expressing as a female, loving fully and completely, as a female.
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